Shot

So I had to go to the Orthopedic Doctor today because my hamstring has been bothering me since NOVEMEBER and nothing had helped it. The doctor says he's going to give me a cortisone shot. Okay. I guess....

Well, I wouldn't have minded except I asked the nurse if it was going to hurt. He said, "I have no idea. I have never ever seen him do this on a hamstring." Cool that was reassuring. So then the doctor comes back into the room, and I ask him if it's going to hurt. He says, "uhh umm well yeah. I can only numb the top layer of the skin and it is going much deeper than that." YIKES. So I ask if it's going to be quick like a shot. He says "uhhh ummm not exactly." What the fuck kind of answer was that. Every single time I ask a question he goes "ummm uhhh" like we are talking about resetting a fucking bone without anesthesia. So of course by this time I am completely fucking flipped out. I am wearing these lovely scrub shorts they gave me to put on (literally they looked like an oversized diaper) so they can get to my upper hamstring without seeing my underwear I guess. I looked retarded with my ACU top and these blue paper short things on.

So basically, I'm laying there on the exam table in my fucking fashion statement, flipped out because my doctor made it sound like we are going to have pain on the level of giving birth. Not to mention I can't see anything because  I'm on my stomach. For all I know, he could have had a chain saw back there or been getting ready to shove a needle in my thigh the size of a marker. Literally these are the images going through my mind at that point. They start putting this numbing shit on the top of my skin which feels hot and cold at the same time. So I completely tense up and start biting my ACU top expecting him to start carving into my skin any minute. I feel a small pinch, but I assume that they are still putting that god awful numbing shit on. Then he says something about how does that feel, and I'm like "can we please just get this over with." And he's like, "oh we are done already." WHAT??? You little fucker. That didn't hurt at all. In fact, it hurt less than a normal shot because you put that stupid numbing stuff on my skin. Completely unnecessary. I do not appreciate you acting like this is going to be the worst fucking procedure in the world when in reality it hurt less than someone pinching me. You must have the lowest pain tolerance ever.

Afterwards:

Doctor: No activity for a couple weeks

Me: What's a couple of weeks

Doctor: 2-3

Me: What about swimming

Doctor: No. You have to push off and we can't risk aggravating things.

Me: What about biking

Doctor (giving me a funny look): No

Me: What about elliptical

Doctor: No. You can't do anything

Me: What about lifting

Doctor: I guess if you don't use your legs at all

Me: What about walking on the treadmill

Doctor: No. You can't do anything for at least 2 weeks other than going for a leisurely stroll

Me: HMPH